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"One day I saw my husband's messages with another woman on insta. I could have only laid my eyes on the "-hello-hi-what's up?" messages just before my husband came and took his phone. When I retrieved his phone, his conversation with the girl was gone. When I asked him about those messages he only said "What girl? What messages are you babbling about?" The other day, I left my coffee cup on the table and went to another room, when I came back there was no cup at all. When I asked him where my cup was, just as he did the other day, he said there wasn't any cup there from the very beginning. Later on, when I said that I would cook beans saying that we haven't eaten for a while, he responded by saying "We ate yesterday, do you not remember?"... "
When you read this real-life story it is of high possibility you might question whether the woman is sane. But if you knew about "Gaslighting" then you would understand that this woman was probably a victim of gaslighting.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that has taken its name from a 1944 film named "gaslight" In the movie a man manipulates a woman into thinking she has gone mad. And one of the methods he uses is dimming the light a bit every day, one day she asks why the gas lamp sheds dimmed light than normal, and he answers by saying "no, it is lighting as it does in normal circumstances, are you imagining things?"
Gaslighting is mostly used to gain authority and take control over the victim who is being gaslighted by the manipulator. The manipulator may use various villainous methods to lead the victim into questioning their mindsets and thinking that maybe they are hallucinating things.
Let's elaborate on methods and common phrases they use to deceive people:
-"That has never happened"
Rewriting history is a common method gaslighters use. Even if you are so sure about something has happened, they might say that thing has never happened at all. And they defend this with full confidence that after a while you may think that you are making things up and start questioning yourself.
-"You have such a thin skin"
"I was just joking" "You are overreacting" By these kinds of words they try to weaken your arguments and thoughts; thereby you start to think about whether you are miscommunicating and you have overdosed boundaries.
-"YOU are the one at fault here"
When you blame them for something they might shift the blame from themselves to you, such as saying "yes, I have cheated on you but I wouldn't if you have just paid more attention to me."
If you have ever come across a gaslighter you will notice that they use the word "you" almost every single time and rarely "I".
-"You know I wouldn't hurt you deliberately"
Words are quite powerful, maybe one of the most fatal weapons in the world. It wouldn't be quite wrong to say that gaslighters know how to play with words as if they are an expert in languages. After they have done something wrong towards you, they might deny it and use compassionate words to trick your mind. Be aware that gaslighters' behaviors mostly do not match their words. Be careful not to fall into their traps.
"I am saying these for your own good"
When you tell them you are upset about what they said about your insecurities: they may deny their wrongdoing and reprimand you by saying that they care for you and that's why they say those words and that you are so ungrateful. After a while, you may really start thinking that you are faulty.
If you see these kinds of behaviors with people close to you (these might be: your partner, your parents, your friends, and even your boss ) keep up your self-esteem and always keep your guard while interacting with them. If possible, keep evidence of the things that have happened; keeping a diary or taking screenshots of your conversations may remind you that you are not insane and that what you say is true when you are accused of making things up. And if you do realize that they are indeed manipulating, you had better cut your bonds with them.
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